plasticasshole | Aefenglom IC Inbox

[L starts to address Connor's first request, seeming to object; by his standards, it hardly qualifies as hurting himself for the sake of a goal. Small incremental forms of self-abuse are very normal for him, after all, from sleepless nights to an endless supply of sugar and caffeine in place of other forms of sustenance and energy. His career was so dangerous that he has foregone a name, even an identity outside of it.

The words die in his throat at the second question, because... well, hell yes, it make him uncomfortable. Very obviously so, because his hands have both crept up to pull at the hairs nearest the nape of his neck in fistfuls. The cut, which is yet to stop bleeding and no longer being sucked on, drips in a line of mixed blood and saliva down his wrist.]

It's highly unnecessary.

[The words are measured, forcibly calm, even though everything about his body language radiates low-key panic.]

Edited 2019-09-24 02:14 (UTC)

You didn't answer my question.

[Connor doesn't move his hand away, and though his tone is pleasant his gaze is intense. He's seeing all of the discomfort, and without thinking he takes one of L's wrists and holds it to stop him from pulling at his hair. The blood trickles onto Connor's thumb, and he ignores it.]

Why does it make you feel this way?

[Well hell, if L knew why, he wouldn't be here panicking in front of a real robot, beginning to hyperventilate with tense, shallow breaths. It's too close, too fatally on the mark, and he wants to shut this down before it goes further, before someone possibly manages to help him out of the terrifying place he's built his home.

He shakes his head, slowly at first, gaining speed and force as he realizes just how much he doesn't know.]

It isn't like that.

[Something's broken, inherently, between what he feels and his normally very articulate and precise way of speaking to be understood. And now, he's eyes are very nearly pleading.]

Edited (ICON FAIL) 2019-09-24 02:41 (UTC)

[Connor pauses, noting the increased heart rate when he scans L- not that he needed to scan him, he can feel his pulse in his wrist, see the way he's breathing shallowly.]

Isn't it?

[Maybe he should stop... L seems genuinely uncomfortable. He lets go of L's hand, but keeps his hand on his shoulder as he slowly brings his thumb to his mouth and sucks the blood off. He probably didn't need to stare into L's eyes as he did it, but, there we go.

He pauses for a moment, and then-]

...You're severely anaemic.

[Whatever "it" is, it's... likely. That's the most uncomfortable thing about this by far, and every moment Connor holds his wrist and his gaze, L is a bug pinned to a corkboard. His already overlarge eyes stretch wider as Connor actually starts sucking his injured finger, spouting an observation that's... well, obvious, isn't it, when one is paying attention to his bloodletting and his sunken-eyed pallor in the mirror.

The SQUIP's not going to be happy about this; that's also obvious.]

A few drops of blood aren't enough to make that kind of difference.

[He's on his feet, isn't he? Moving, and speaking, and practicing magic to support a two-witch Bond? Blood is a useful and seductive tool.]

Something you're doing is causing it, and I can't imagine cutting yourself open over and over is helping.

[He laps his tongue over the cut, then lets go. He files away the information on L's blood for later.]

You should be eating more leafy greens and meat. But... since I know you don't like to eat cooked meals, apples are great for anaemia, too.

[He peers at L closely.]

You should take better care of yourself, Linden. You only have one body.

[Arguments form in his head, up to and including anemia is common, and not terribly serious. He knows it's unlikely to go over with Connor, because in truth, it's just not that good.

But everything Connor's saying is so difficult and feels so futile.

Another argument flickers through his mind. What does it matter how you treat your body, when it's likely to die young anyway? That's how he's always thought, always lived. A young body can take this abuse, and he couldn't quite leave that mindset behind when he stepped through the mirror.]

Can't you be the kind of robot that doesn't care about these things? I'm doing my best.

[And it is sort of true. The strain is crushingly difficult; the idea that it isn't satisfactory even more so.]

No. Do a better job.

[Blunt. But L needs to hear it. His grip on his shoulder tightens.]

It's fine standing straighter and combing your hair, but if you're not looking after your body on the inside, you're going to falter sooner or later. That's what bodies do when you don't maintain them. I shouldn't have to tell you this.

[L seems taken aback by Connor's bluntness. He wasn't lying, when he said that he was doing his best, or at least what he believes his best to be, and the idea of trying even harder is nearly exhausting enough to make his knees buckle.

No, his knees actually might be buckling, and it has nothing to do with Connor's demand. If it wasn't for the android gripping onto his shoulder, he might actually topple, but no, it's surprisingly supportive. For now he's staying up, while he's dressed down and shamed in the most matter-of-fact possible way.]

I know you're trying to help.

[That pleading travels from his eyes to his voice, just a slight little twinge of anxiousness.]

The SQUIP won't push me further than I can go, but... it'll get this done. Just give it time.

[Connor frowns, noting the way L buckles under him. Seeing the anxiety in his eyes.]

Maybe if you took better care of yourself, you could go further.

[He leans in slightly, trying to look less stern.]

Think of what you could accomplish if you were healthy. Right now, you're struggling under a Witch-Witch Bond, you're cutting yourself, you're not eating properly... and if those dark circles are any indication, you're not sleeping, either.

[He considers it, before letting go of L abruptly just to see how he fares standing on his own.]

[In short, L doesn't fare standing on his own. He overbalances and buckles immediately the moment the support is removed, coming down on his hands and knees, staring peevishly up at the android. He thinks that was a dirty trick, and as he draws his limbs closer to his body to balance on the balls of his feet, he doesn't exactly make a secret of it.

Connor's not wrong, of course... but so much of what he's insisting actually does feel impossible. If L focused on those things, how much energy would he have left for the things that really matter? The studying at the Coven, the SQUIP's social lessons?]

You've never had to waste time on those things and suffered a loss of function as a result. All of this probably does seem easy to you...

[Connor circles L slowly, looking down at him.]

You're right. Human bodies are terribly inefficient. But that's what you have, and that's what you have to maintain. You can't even stand right now. If you had "wasted time" on eating and sleeping, maybe you wouldn't collapse after performing magic.

[Maybe he's being too cruel, but he wants L to realise he's only harming himself by behaving this way.]

[Damn straight, L's right. He clings to that, even if the logic becomes circular and like an Ouroboros devouring itself given enough scrutiny and thought. He rubs briefly at his bloodless lips with the back of his hand, because they're numb as his vision blotches and his ears ring.]

Would you please stop calling me human.

[He speaks in a low, serious tone.]

[Connor tilts his head at that.]

Why?

[He crouches in front of L.]

You are human. It’s not an insult. It’s a fact. Do you not like it?

[A human that wants to be... a machine? Is that what this is?]

Linden... there’s no logic in denying what you are. Your mind may be able to ignore it, but your body won’t. You know that.

[L bristles; it's fairly clear that he doesn't like it, he thinks, even ignoring the fact that he actually went so far as to ask Connor not to.

It also is endlessly annoying that Connor seems to want L to confirm, verbally, what he knows is right.]

Just don't...

[He raises a hand, just pressing his palm against Connor's mouth like it's some kind of off switch he can utilize.]

[Connor takes the wrist of that hand and pulls it away from his mouth. Sorry L, no luck there. He kneels in front of L and sighs, fiddling with the skinny hand in his. Something about his Bond with the SQUIP makes it easier to initiate touch with L.]

Talk to me. What do you want me to call you? How do you want to be treated?

[L shudders at the touch, curling more closely in on himself at being confronted and questioned on such a personal and intimate level. His pulse is weak but quick, his eyes pointedly averted as though he is just terrified that they will betray something.

There are things he could say.

Call me Linden, and treat me like I’m made of something stronger.

Call me Linden, and treat me like my heart and body can never truly break.

Call me Linden, and treat me like you and the SQUIP treat each other.

He swallows. His voice remains low and tight with forced-calm when he says]

Please, just treat me like someone who wanted to give you a mirror reflecting something gold that stays.

[Unintentionally, he’s actually voiced the core of the matter. Being human means being as fleeting as the autumn leaves or the setting sun. It means everything is futile in the end, and pain and dark and dust.]

Edited 2019-09-24 06:51 (UTC)

[Connor studies him for a moment. His expression softens, from the hard angles of disappointment back to concern.]

I am. I’m trying to make you take care of yourself. Because I care.

[He gestures to himself as he rests a hand on L’s shoulder again.]

I’m sorry if I was harsh, but an intelligent man like you... it’s frustrating to see you this way.

So it's agreed that we're both trying.

[He squeezes his eyes closed, practically bracing against the gentle contact as though he's waiting for the ruse to be revealed, turn into the roughness and concealed daggers that must be there.]

Do you think I wouldn't like to be able to insert a line of code that fixes everything? Do you think this isn't frustrating for me?

[He wants to trust... but that would make him stupid. That would make him dead. The rigidness of his body takes energy to maintain, and gives way in places to trembling fatigue.]

Edited 2019-09-24 16:17 (UTC)

[Connor sees him shaking, and squeezes his hand gently.]

I think you have personal issues that you need to address. I also think that if you continue to treat your body like a machine, it will eventually break down. Please be kinder to yourself. We only have one Linden, after all.

[That's honest, and almost definitely true. It's also the most difficult thing to hear yet, the idea that anything emotional could be any kind of issue for the detective. The dim fury that always smolders beneath where everything else is buried and banished burns him at times like this, because so many things just aren't fair, and pain without an outlet is such a bitch.

He's nearly at the limit of what he can handle today from another sentient being, through no real fault of Connor's. Just as L's frustration and anger have no outlet, they have no real target, either. He can't possibly hold this against the android, as much as he wants to retreat and hide himself away from the world.]

It's my... sincere hope that you enjoy the mirror.

[A weary default, an attempt to hoist the rendezvous' intended course back on track before it ends. It was never supposed to stray. He is exhausted.]

[Connor can sense L is done with this conversation, so he just squeezes his shoulder and stands up.]

Thank you. I'll put it somewhere safe.

[He hesitates.]

Do you need any help getting home?

[He'd try to continue, if there was even a slight chance that he could pull more from his reserve stores. They're completely dry. He is going to go home, curl up in the shower under the running water, and count the tiles on the wall until he feels soothed.

He swallows, glancing up at the android. Somehow, his pride isn't letting him ask for a piggyback ride back to his apartment.]

I just need a few minutes.

[Connor goes to leave, but stalls again.]

I'm not sure I can just leave you here like this. You can lean on me, there's no shame in it.

[He looks down at L earnestly.]

We don't have to tell anyone I had to help you... I won't say anything if you don't.

[Such a noble android. It's highly inconvenient and more than a big annoying... but ultimately, L's probably not getting home otherwise, is he?

He reaches up for Connor's hand, pulling himself up and fairly melting against his side.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject