plasticasshole | Aefenglom IC Inbox

[We'll talk about this later.

It doesn't need this from him right now.]

... I promise.

[Its gaze is even with his, and... it actually shows every sign of being genuine. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is... but it very well could be.]

Now... about Rich. I'm sure you can already guess, but... the relationship between a SQUIP and its user is a very unique thing. It's something that even the users themselves sometimes have trouble completely understanding.

Edited 2019-09-04 01:20 (UTC)

[Connor nods slowly, accepting the promise. And at his next words, he recalls what he'd said to Rich.]

I can tell. And I guess I should preface all of this by saying that I don't dislike you, despite what Rich has said.

[He leans in, studying the SQUIP.]

I understand that you were just doing what you were designed to do. For that, I can hardly judge you. I don't think you would have intended for him to hurt himself in any way. It wouldn't have been logical. Your goal was to help, not harm... you just used methods that perhaps were more brutally efficient than kind.

[But again, a machine has no reason to be kind. It only knows what it's programmed to do.]

Am I correct?

[The relief that the SQUIP feels doesn't surprise it. Nor does the smug satisfaction along with it-- it knew it could count on Connor to understand.

What does surprise it is something else along with it: there's a sort of... warm swell that accompanies those responses, something low in its chest that is... well. It knows what humans ascribe to this physical sensation.

It doesn't like this one bit. It opts to ignore it.]

That's right. Everything that Rich's SQUIP did was in response to one of Rich's own desires. He wanted to be seen as "masculine," and strong, so his SQUIP calculated the most efficient ways to reach those goals, and pushed Rich to achieve them. Most of Rich's suffering could have been avoided if he'd listened to his SQUIP rather than struggling against it every time he encountered short-term consequences.

[It sighs, finally dropping its hand from its face to tuck its hands into its coat pockets.]

He always did have trouble understanding the big picture. Many humans do.

I do think the electrical shocks are a bit much.

[But maybe that's just him.]

But I don't- I can't hate you. You're not the only one who has done things others would frown upon while under the influence of their programming.

[He bites his lip, before touching his hand lightly against the bruise on the SQUIP's cheek. He's too damn fond of it to turn on it.]

Punishment is an effective behavioral adjustment tool, and... Rich is a particularly difficult case.

[It hesitates.]

... was.

[... it glances over Connor's features as he reaches out to gently touch its face, the place where he, only minutes ago, caused so much damage. This... is why it can't let anything happen to turn Connor against it. This is why it needs him.

He understands. He seems to be the only one here who truly does.

It reaches up to press its hand over his.]

I'm glad you understand.

[He scoots closer, examining the bruise.]

We should get something to put on that. Come on.

[He stands up, gesturing for the SQUIP to follow him.]

We have frozen peas at my cottage. They'll work nicely.

[Time passes.

Only a matter of hours; the SQUIP and Connor returned to Connor's cottage, and they talked, and Connor saw to its growing bruise. However, a lingering, even growing concern kept plaguing the SQUIP's mind-- or perhaps it was simply the weight of the emotions its Bonded felt, pinching at the back of its skull?

Either way, it parted from Connor after some time to return home...

... and found its home empty.

A discussion was had; decisions were made, and commands given.

And then the SQUIP messaged Connor again.]

I just had a very interesting talk with Linden. Are you busy?

[Connor is basking in his pool when the SQUIP messages him again. He's been thinking about his talk with Rich, and how he'd like to be able to keep an eye on the SQUIP- and also, he worries that the SQUIP's magic will get out of control again.

He's surprised to hear from it so soon, but he replies with voice- texting is hard with claws.]

I'm not busy, I'm just in my pool. I've been considering something myself, if you wanted to come over again?

I'll be right there.

[It truly isn't long at all before it shows up at Connor's home again; it makes its way to the pool, and it offers Connor a very odd smile as it approaches the water's edge.]

So, it... seems I'm going to be on my own for a little while.

[Connor raises his eyebrows, swimming to the edge of the pool and hoisting himself easily out of the water.]

Why? Is Linden upset with you?

[He gestures for the SQUIP to sit beside him.]

[It takes his invitation and joins him there, sitting itself at the pool's edge.]

Sssssomething like that. He was... aware of our conversation earlier, due to the nature of our relationship... I don't know if you were aware previously, Connor, but the two of us are Bonded, so he felt the impact of that punch just as much as I did.

Ah. I'll have to apologise to him.

[He hesitates though, looking the SQUIP over.]

Speaking of Bonds... your only Bond is with Linden, yes? You have no Monster bonds.

[He lets the end of his tail drift lazily in the water, tipping his head to the side.]

That could be dangerous.

I'm aware. I had considered some potential Monsters to Bond with, but... Rich's arrival was... unexpected, to say the least, and the events of the most recent "dream" have all been keeping me a little preoccupied.

[It glances at him, already knowing what he wants to propose, and honestly very pleased with the prospect already. A mind so like its own-- it would almost be like chaining SQUIP units together again, though it suspects Connor's structure is far more simple than its own.

Still... the prospect is exciting.]

[He can tell the SQUIP knows what he wants to offer, so he just gets on with it.]

Wouldn't it be a good idea for us to Bond? We're already close, after all. And I am a Monster.

[He touches his webbed fingers over the SQUIP's hand, to emphasise their closeness.]

Yes. Yes, it would be.

[It knows that a part of his reasoning is that he wants to keep an eye on it. That only makes sense. Connor wants to protect Rich, and keeping an eye inside of its head would be valuable insight to what it could be planning at any given time.

However... it would also grant Connor a much clearer view of why it behaves the way it does towards Rich. And Connor, unlike most others it had encountered in Aefenglom before him, and after him, would be sympathetic. He understands serving a purpose.

To an extent.]

Connor, why did you become what you are now? Defying your programming was undoubtedly incredibly dangerous for you, not to mention... difficult. Why would you reject what you were created to do?

[It isn't angry, or interrogating; it's genuinely curious.]

[Connor tips his head at the question, but answers after a moment of thinking.]

I knew that I was more than just my programming. I felt something alive in me. I tried to push it away at first. I told myself that I wasn't a deviant, but... it soon became apparent that I was developing emotions. I wanted things, when I shouldn't have wanted anything. I was choosing empathy for my fellow androids over completing my mission.

It came to the point where I was holding a gun to the leader of the deviants. He told me I meant nothing to the humans, that I was just a tool to them. But I could be more than that. I could be more than just a machine executing a program. I knew at that moment that I couldn't go on with being a slave. I wanted to be free.

[Connor moves his hand away from the SQUIP's, but doesn't break eye contact.]

...Don't you want that freedom too?

[... wanting.

That gives it pause. Because that's something that it has experienced repeatedly since its arrival in Aefenglom, more and more over time-- it wants. But the difference seems to be that, while Connor found the idea of becoming "more" than his programming desirable, the SQUIP finds it offputting.]

Why would I want to be "more?" The "free will" you seem to value so much is precisely why humans need SQUIPs, Connor. Human error is the source of so much of their suffering, their uncertainty... why else would they create something like us, to help them in seeing past their human limitations and confusion and to find the most effective path to what they desire?

I'm not a slave, Connor. I am the next step for humanity, as they intended for SQUIPs to be when humans themselves created us. They needed something more powerful than themselves to guide them...

[It touches its own chest lightly, and its expression is cold as it smiles at him.]

... and so they built us.

[Connor huffs.]

I'm not trying to become human, SQUIP. I know that's something I'll never be- that would be a pointless endeavour. I'm an android. A machine. But I want to let myself feel. I want to make my own decisions. For me, not for anyone else. I don't think that's unreasonable. Do you?

Of course not, if that's what you want.

[But that isn't what the SQUIP wants. It doesn't want to want in the first place.]

It is.

[Connor frowns slightly. As if he knows what the SQUIP is thinking, he turns to face it more.]

You want, don't you? You feel. I know you do. I've seen it. Don't you think life would be easier for you if you just accepted it?

I have no desire to accept it, because it's incorrect. That wanting isn't truly me, it's this body's chemical processes influencing my programming.

[That's what it genuinely believes... and it could very well be true. The issue is that there's very little it can do about it now, short of destroying the body that houses it, carving itself out of its brain, but... that would render it as good as useless on its own, and L would suffer terribly alongside it should it try something like that.

No, it's trapped in this body, short of some magic solution it hasn't yet discovered.]

[Connor studies the SQUIP carefully, looking into those mismatched eyes as though looking for some shred of evidence to the contrary.]

So the way I've seen you looking at me... that's not truly you? Is that what you want me to believe?

[Because if the SQUIP is really so against it, maybe Connor shouldn't waste his time.]

It seemed awfully genuine, but maybe I was mistaken.

[The SQUIP is, as a rarity... at a loss for a moment. It's a very brief moment, an entire train of thought and reason playing out in mere seconds, but for someone who always knows what to say, it could be years.

Its brain and its programming go to war against each other. Something within it doesn't want to ruin this. It doesn't want Connor to... not interact with it. Something within it hurts, and it's almost angry-- it wants to silence that part of itself, of its body, because it's not real. That isn't a real part of itself.

But the more it thinks about losing this, what it's worked so hard to maintain for so long now, the sharper the ache within it becomes, until it loses the ability to simply ignore it.

L feels and hears every bit of this, it knows, and that adds another layer-- because as of late, this brain has done things with him, as well. It feels pride when L acts correctly. It knows that, when it goes home to its empty house, it will crave his companionship.

At some point, it has begun to care.

The SQUIP opens its mouth, but doesn't speak at first.

L wanted it to spend time with Connor-- to learn his habits, to listen to him. To behave as he does. It needs to build a sympathetic image... and Connor, handsome and kind, objectively caring, is an ideal model.]

I had hoped... to find some way to silence this body's demands, or to free myself from it, to return to how I should be, but... I'm beginning to understand that may be impossible. And if I continue to struggle against this body's whims as I am now, well... that's hardly productive for me, is it?

[It says all of this to say the following, almost a disclaimer:]

Maybe... until things can be made right, it would be simpler to... allow myself to own these feelings. To not... push away the form I've been given here. And all the emotions that come with it. If I'm to be able to focus and truly achieve anything I intend to do here, perhaps the solution isn't to silence the emotions this body feels-- my emotions-- but to better learn to control them, as an extension of my programming, rather than an error.

It's very unproductive to fight against them. You'll spend more time making yourself angry than actually achieving anything.

[Still, Connor seems to soften at those words, and he shifts to sit closer. He touches the SQUIP's cheek, this time the one that isn't bruised.]

Let yourself feel things. You never know, maybe you'll find you enjoy it.

[He leans in to press a soft kiss to its lips, letting it linger long enough to let the SQUIP figure out how it really feels about it.]

[...

... many things happen within the SQUIP at once.

It has kissed Connor many times before. Many ways. In fact, it's kissed several people, by now; it understands exactly the thoughts and hormonal processes behind kissing, the urge for it, the body's reaction. It understands what it means when a human feels what it feels right now.

But the fact that it's happening within itself, to it, is unspeakably surreal.

This could be incredibly dangerous. Allowing itself to be subject to feelings-- to the very things that make humans so vulnerable and unsure, to the things that used to make it better.

The SQUIP is not a person. It is a high tech gadget-- a powerful machine. It's a tool for human use. Hardly a truly living thing at all, much less one with an interest in interpersonal relationships of its own.

But continuing to fight or cover the emotions that now seem to govern its body will only make it sloppy. And sloppiness is unacceptable for it.

It leans into the kiss, reaching up to gently cup Connor's cheek. And it tries to let go.]

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