plasticasshole | Aefenglom IC Inbox

Recently, you had a... talk with Linden, about his lack of care for himself.

[This is... an odd talk for it to have, so pardon how stilted it may be here, Connor.]

Yes. Did he take my advice?

[He's imagining the answer is "no", but he can hope.]

Of course not.

[A moment later.]

But I do appreciate the effort.

[... and, Connor might have picked up over their Bond, not just because L's health affects its much more directly now. Feelings are... strange things, still largely alien to the SQUIP... but it does, somehow, care about its boyfriend's wellbeing.]

I didn't think so.

[He sighs to himself, before seeing the follow up.]

I tried. He seems to have issues with being human. I only wish there was some way to help him with that.

[He feels it, and he's happy to feel the SQUIP caring. It's what he wanted.]

Linden is a difficult case.

[The SQUIP pauses here, thinking over just how much it should reveal. Of course, Connor has likely learned at least a little about L over his shared bond with his boyfriend, but... it's been careful to conceal certain things about him from Connor.

His name, primarily; while the knowledge of it is no longer unsafe for him in the way he's used to thinking of it, the reaction to another having that knowledge has been so visceral that it's very clear sharing it would prove an incredibly destructive move for their relationship. And, that aside, the SQUIP recognizes an edge when it sees one. Being the only one there to know L's true name lends it a power over him that no one else can hold. Still, there are other facts that it's certain would be best kept quiet, or that L would be angry with it for sharing, particularly with Connor of all people.]

He doesn't care how much damage he does to his body, as long as he achieves his goals. He's very out of touch with his physical existence.

[Connor might note over his Bond with the SQUIP that it thinks back to their first meeting-- L was so out of touch with his own body, with human interaction that he literally had to be taught how to embrace.]

I feel like he won't realise until he breaks.

[And that leads Connor to wonder if it would be fair to let L just get progressively weaker until he can't take it anymore. Would he listen if he couldn't ignore it? Would it be worth trying? Or is that how a machine who doesn't understand how it feels would think?]

What are you going to do with him?

His own body breaking down wouldn't change anything to him. He's planned on dying young for a very long time now. The only thing that I've seen actually change his mind at all is when his actions started to affect me.

So he does care about something.

[But of course he does, right? They both care. They're partners, after all.]

Maybe you could use that fact to get him to take better care of himself.

[... what an odd thing to say. But why is it odd? The SQUIP's thoughts are... confused for a moment by that, which might seem odd to Connor.

Care...

... it mutes the Bond to L as much as it can. It hopes that L won't be alarmed by that.]

Connor. Can I be very honest with you for a moment?

Of course. What is it?

[He notes the confusion in the SQUIP, and sends over his own attempt at comfort. He isn't there right now, but it's akin to putting a hand on its shoulder.]

The relationship between Linden and I is a cover. Or, at least, it was. The night we first met, we did form a partnership, but it wasn't meant to be romantic in any way. He needed guidance, and I no longer had a user. I effectively became his SQUIP. We only called it a romance because it was simpler, and less suspicious, given his goals are political.

[... but there's a lot of past-tense in there.]

But you've fallen for him?

[Connor can read between the lines there, it's obvious where this is heading.]

And he's fallen for you, right?

[Fallen for.

Love.

Is that what this is?

It thinks of L collapsing in despair when he realized how he'd damaged it, the pain he'd caused it during his tantrum; and, in turn, the warmth they both felt at his return.]

He does have strong feelings for me.

[Its own feelings go unmentioned, but Connor can feel the way it's mulling them over, comparing, processing, as though trying to be certain that it's the truth.]

And you for him?

[Connor isn't letting you off that easily. He closes his eyes and sends his own feelings- for Justine, for the SQUIP- to help give it something to compare its own feelings to.]

This is how you feel, isn't it?

Yes.

[A simple enough answer to a difficult question. But... this isn't its first time feeling this anymore. It does, after all, still have strong feelings of affection for Connor himself, as well, a fact that Connor is aware of already.]

It's still strange. I was never programmed to want interpersonal relationships of my own.

Neither was I. I have a social relations program, but it was designed so that I could comfortably integrate with humans to make them feel more at ease. Not so I could make friends.

[Connor smiles to himself though, and sends some more feelings the SQUIP's way. Showing it how he feels about it, too.]

Strange that we should find ourselves here, in this situation... but I don't think it's a bad thing. Do you?

Yes and no.

[Affection... love. It does feel good in many ways, and recognizing it, unifying the sensation and the label, ceasing the fight and allowing itself to feel... it has helped to clear its head in many ways.

Yet it's all a very vivid reminder of what it was, and is growing further and further away from. Its programming tells it that it is a SQUIP, and that it is behaving inefficiently, acting outside of its intended parameters. It was never meant to be this-- to be here, independent, to be in love. It's acting irrationally, falling into the very traps it was created to aid humans in avoiding. Humans are messy. They are disorganized and unpredictable, at times, and that is the cause of their own suffering. Is it not sacrificing its ability to be an impartial judge? Isn't it above all of this? Its mind struggles with the two halves of itself-- the SQUIP, with its harshly-drawn lines of if-then operation, its hard-coded programming, and something else, something decidedly less useful, but unavoidable, and it is only getting worse.]

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