plasticasshole | Noctium IC Inbox

"I have a lot of patience, V." Even if he does disapprove of a lot of what V does, that doesn't mean he's going to leave over it. He's too deep into whatever they have at this point, and it's never been his style to leave when things get tough anyway.

Smoothing back V's hair, he holds him close, moving to rub his shoulder affectionately. It's a memory he's going to hold close, he knows for sure, so he makes sure he cherishes this moment while it lasts.

"Do you like it when I say how I feel?" He's curious- he doesn't want to do it if V doesn't like it but Connor has always been so very upfront with the facts. Emotions are harder to pin down, he's found, but once he knows how he feels for sure they're just another fact that he doesn't mind sharing.

That patience was something V was simultaneously thankful for and also wish didn't exist. He was glad to have whatever the hell this was but also wished he didn't know that even this latest spat wasn't going to be the last for whatever bullshit reason would come up in the future. He was hard to love and he brought his own fall.

V rested his head against Connor and traced abstract patterns lightly across his skin. He enjoyed Connor smoothing his hair down, rubbing his shoulder, and closed his eyes in something like contentment. He was happy to just be with Connor like this but then Connor had to go and open his fucking mouth. He opened his eyes and he shifted from fully relaxed against Connor to having some tension as he considered the question. He considered it for probably longer than Connor expected.

He wasn't sure what answer he specifically was going to give. He wanted to say that he did appreciate the honesty but he also didn't want to face the truth of this situation. The idea that he could be in love with not one man but two scared the shit out of him. He'd abandoned the first man he loved out of fear, he didn't know what to do with two of them at this point. He was trying to be happy and to let himself have happiness but he also was terrified at the idea.

"I..." He falls quiet for a moment again. When he starts to speak it's very slowly. "I do, but I'm not so good with the touchy-feely shit. Night City's got a way'f hurtin' people for bein' honest 'bout their feelin's." He paused again as he tried to figure out how to articulate what he wanted to say. "I might not respond how you want me to, but that's got nothin' to do with you'n everythin' to do with me'n my history."

He had stopped tracing patterns on Connor, his hand flattening to rest on Connor. He struggled to meet Connor's gaze as he seemed to be rather embarrassed to admit it.

Connor hums, stroking a thumb over V's cheek. "I see." He's not sure how to respond to that, at first. Emotional responses take longer to process. He's still new to them, after all.

"I just want you to feel safe and comfortable. If there's anything I can do- or stop doing- to make that possible, then you only need to tell me." Even if it means keeping his sappy feelings to himself more, or trying to hold back the endless stream of questions he always has. He moves his hand to take V's chin and gently tip it up to try to catch his eye.

"And please- never be ashamed of yourself or your feelings." He knows that's easier said than done but he doesn't want V to feel like he has to be ashamed of who he is, or how he learned to cope in Night City. He just isn't sure how to convey that he loves all of V, without actually admitting that he loves him.

V closed his eyes momentarily as he leaned into Connor's touch a little. He liked the contact and he'd missed the way Connor felt against him, the way his touch was so gentle but not hesitant or weak. He partially opened his eyes as Connor started to speak, though his gaze still didn't raise.

Connor took his chin and V momentarily resisted the motion in that miserable way he had to him, but he did eventually give in to Connor. His eyes shifted to look almost shyly at Connor.

"I know, I know. I'm not 'fraid to tell ya to shove off if I need to." V really didn't need Connor to do so though. He was more worried that he would respond to things incorrectly and hurt Connor on accident because he was bad at dealing with these sorts of things.

"I jus- I'm not ashamed'f my-" He stopped himself as if he were about to catch himself in a lie. He considered what he was saying for a moment, then started again. "I'm not ashamed'f me or my feelings. I-"

He took Connor's hand from his chin and lowered his gaze. "It's not shame I feel. For me'r my feelings." It was self-hatred. It was the voice in the back of his head that called him a curse, worthless. It was the part of him that knew that he would hurt Connor and eventually he would destroy everything they had. He knew that this was going to blow up in his face.

V looked back up to Connor. "You're perfect. Really, you are." He pressed Connor's knuckles to his lips in a kiss. He wanted to push this conversation away from himself if he could.

Connor's eyebrows furrow in a way that means he doesn't quite understand. And he wants to understand, really. He selfishly wants to be the one who can help V with his problems, even though he knows realistically he probably can't.

He smiles at the way V kisses his knuckles, but his words just make Connor bite back a sigh. "I'm not." Perfect would imply he'd never done anything to be ashamed of himself, and he sure has. He knows V is trying to change the subject- it's so blatant- but he decides to let him. He doesn't want to ruin V's good mood by digging into his feelings.

Leaning in, he catches V's lips in a brief kiss before resting his forehead against V's. "But it makes me happy that you're happy." At least, he hopes V is still happy. He'd be angry with himself if his curiosity had ruined that.

He goes quiet for a moment, wondering how V would feel if he knew what Connor had done back in Detroit. He was almost the reason the revolution failed, and he'd gotten thousands of androids killed all for the sake of being a good tool. For the mission... it makes him feel ashamed when he remembers how he was used. He supposes V doesn't need or want to know, but to Connor their pasts are equally as important as their futures together.

V felt better with the kiss, regretting that it had to break but finding comfort as Connor's forehead rested against his. He laced his fingers with Connor's and held their locked hands to his chest. The fingertips of his other hand traced lightly over Connor's cheekbone. Happy was a strong word for V right now. His melancholy tugged at the corners of his mind.

"Just glad we're here." Which was true. V was a far cry from happy even on the good days, but he was grateful for every moment right now that they were together. He was just glad things were okay. He didn't want to think about the inevitable fall of all of this. He didn't want to consider how he was going to feel when he ripped his own heart out and stabbed it with a knife. He didn't want to think about how much it was going to hurt.

It was lucky the way that Connor went quiet and V could tell he was troubled by something. V debated asking - he didn't necessarily want to dig into Connor's thoughts but Connor was always the one who encouraged him to ask questions. "What's on your mind?"

He's a little surprised when V asks him what he's thinking about, but pleased that he's listening to Connor when he says V should ask more. He debates not telling him, but in the end he decides to leave it up to V.

"I was thinking of my past. I often wonder if you'd see me differently if you knew." But he realises that's heavy for what is supposed to be a happy reunion, and he doesn't want to ruin things. "Perhaps this isn't the best time to talk about it, but it does bother me."

He knows V doesn't take much notice of pasts but Detroit was what shaped Connor to be who he is today. And that comment about Connor being perfect just... doesn't sit right with him. He's not perfect. He's far from it.

He pulls V in closer and starts to stroke his hair. V might be tired... he shouldn't unload on him when he's potentially sleepy. And this seems like a good place for him to drift off- safe and warm in Connor's arms again. So he'll leave things up to V. There are other times to talk about this.

V wanted to say that he very much doubted Connor's history would make V think any different of him. V could hardly judge anyone for anything given his own history and the things he had done to survive, as well as what he did in the end of it all. He didn't protest, though. He wouldn't make promises unless he knew it was something he could keep and there were things that V would be profoundly upset with if Connor had done them. It seemed unlikely, but everything about his current situation and this place fell into the unlikely category.

"I see." It wasn't lost on V that he finally asked and the conversation was steered away from an answer, and now Connor was doing what he did to help V sleep. He was tired, but that was beside the point. He was quiet for a moment as he debated pressing for it regardless, but he ultimately decided this wasn't the time. They'd just spent nearly a month in a weird and fucked up dance around each other's feelings and he didn't want this fragile bridge to be burned so quickly after being rebuilt.

"Can talk about it some other time. Whenever you want." In true V fashion he wasn't going to force it and he probably wasn't going to bring it up again unless Connor did first. He pushed it from his mind and relaxed into Connor's arms to let himself slowly doze off.

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