[The SQUIP is, as a rarity... at a loss for a moment. It's a very brief moment, an entire train of thought and reason playing out in mere seconds, but for someone who always knows what to say, it could be years.
Its brain and its programming go to war against each other. Something within it doesn't want to ruin this. It doesn't want Connor to... not interact with it. Something within it hurts, and it's almost angry-- it wants to silence that part of itself, of its body, because it's not real. That isn't a real part of itself.
But the more it thinks about losing this, what it's worked so hard to maintain for so long now, the sharper the ache within it becomes, until it loses the ability to simply ignore it.
L feels and hears every bit of this, it knows, and that adds another layer-- because as of late, this brain has done things with him, as well. It feels pride when L acts correctly. It knows that, when it goes home to its empty house, it will crave his companionship.
At some point, it has begun to care.
The SQUIP opens its mouth, but doesn't speak at first.
L wanted it to spend time with Connor-- to learn his habits, to listen to him. To behave as he does. It needs to build a sympathetic image... and Connor, handsome and kind, objectively caring, is an ideal model.]
I had hoped... to find some way to silence this body's demands, or to free myself from it, to return to how I should be, but... I'm beginning to understand that may be impossible. And if I continue to struggle against this body's whims as I am now, well... that's hardly productive for me, is it?
[It says all of this to say the following, almost a disclaimer:]
Maybe... until things can be made right, it would be simpler to... allow myself to own these feelings. To not... push away the form I've been given here. And all the emotions that come with it. If I'm to be able to focus and truly achieve anything I intend to do here, perhaps the solution isn't to silence the emotions this body feels-- my emotions-- but to better learn to control them, as an extension of my programming, rather than an error.
no subject
Its brain and its programming go to war against each other. Something within it doesn't want to ruin this. It doesn't want Connor to... not interact with it. Something within it hurts, and it's almost angry-- it wants to silence that part of itself, of its body, because it's not real. That isn't a real part of itself.
But the more it thinks about losing this, what it's worked so hard to maintain for so long now, the sharper the ache within it becomes, until it loses the ability to simply ignore it.
L feels and hears every bit of this, it knows, and that adds another layer-- because as of late, this brain has done things with him, as well. It feels pride when L acts correctly. It knows that, when it goes home to its empty house, it will crave his companionship.
At some point, it has begun to care.
The SQUIP opens its mouth, but doesn't speak at first.
L wanted it to spend time with Connor-- to learn his habits, to listen to him. To behave as he does. It needs to build a sympathetic image... and Connor, handsome and kind, objectively caring, is an ideal model.]
I had hoped... to find some way to silence this body's demands, or to free myself from it, to return to how I should be, but... I'm beginning to understand that may be impossible. And if I continue to struggle against this body's whims as I am now, well... that's hardly productive for me, is it?
[It says all of this to say the following, almost a disclaimer:]
Maybe... until things can be made right, it would be simpler to... allow myself to own these feelings. To not... push away the form I've been given here. And all the emotions that come with it. If I'm to be able to focus and truly achieve anything I intend to do here, perhaps the solution isn't to silence the emotions this body feels-- my emotions-- but to better learn to control them, as an extension of my programming, rather than an error.